i did not come into this terrifying depression in a vacuum.
nor can i escape it.
but the nurse that ignored my cries for help as
“making too much noise”
is not the one i turn to daily.
i do not need her to hear me now.
i need you.
without you, i am scrambling up the sides of a steep slope
and falling back against the rocks.
and yet, with your hand in mine, i often find those same rocks
scraping at my cheeks.
when i beg for you to hear my words without judgment;
yet you take them apart and show me where i am still flawed.
when i turn to you for a smile, a hug, a show of support;
yet you can only tell me i should have acted as you would have.
when i am at my most wounded;
yet you pause only long enough to throw your salt -
i wonder if you can truly help me find my way out.
it is so hard for you-
to see the one you love hurting so.
and it only makes your pain worse -
to know how hard you work, every day,
when i can hardly hold my head up from sunrise to sunset.
yet it seems that when i need you most,
is when your hurt and resentment are beyond you,
and we are unable to be of any good to one another.
the good days are the easiest.
if i can smile at you,
over folded laundry and washed dishes,
you can know i still love you
and i have not gone away.
and then you can smile back.
but love and life do not exist in a vacuum of good days.
and i need to be allowed to show you my bad ones
without fear you will only make them worse.
or i will never find my way out of this
rock-strewn canyon of my depression.